Are you not entertained? Maximus Decimus Meridius - Gladiator
Okay, let's be reasonable here, friends - during a virulent global pandemic there are worse things possible than being cooped up with your family for several months. Yes, I know that's easy for me to say in my child-free state, but I urge you - try to retain perspective. Films will help - I'm talking about proper films, not dross from the furthest flung shores of Netflix. I can't solve all your social isolation problems, but I can make a few suggestions to while some of those nights - or holiday afternoons - away.
I realise some of you are already bingeing Peaky Blinders like you'd always intended, others are ensconced in Harry Potter and Marvel marathons. I personally know someone who is revisiting all the MCU movies in chronological order. Well done that person, it's a worthwhile enterprise and you have my respect. But I'm going to try something different - an idea that will take no more than a single evening at a time rather than committing everyone to a long-haul. I'm talking about movie double-bills. Roughly four hours of your locked-down life each go (five if you do dinner in the break) and a nice cohesive home cinema experience. So let's go.
1. The Jumanji Double-Bill
You could conceivably go back to the Robin Williams 1995 original and turn this into a triple - there's a touching reference to Williams' character in the new iteration of the franchise to tie all three films together. However the recent pair of Jumanji adventures work very well on their own and would make a nigh-on perfect evening of family entertainment. Welcome to the Jungle introduces a video-game avatar spin on the basic Jumanji concept, which becomes everything that makes it fun and distinctive. Then The Next Level finds smart ways of mixing things up to keep the comedy flowing; it even succeeds in being more exciting than the first. This is how to use a talented (and expanding) group of comic actors - serving them with material worthy of their mirth-inducing talents and creating a multi-generation-pleasing experience in the process.
2. The Sword-and-Sandals Double Bill
Try this one - it'll be epic, in the truest sense of the word. Watch Spartacus, the 1960 Stanley Kubrick version with Kirk Douglas as the revel slave. It'll take you over three hours, but it's the best Ancient Roman action-drama ever committed to film (stone cold fact, no arguments please) and even in more normal circumstances that makes it a worthwhile time commitment. Then have some cheese and crackers - vegan alternative if you prefer - and get stuck into Gladiator, the best genre equivalent of the modern era. Think about it: that's both the 'I am Spartacus' scene and the 'My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius...' speech in full glorious context in the same evening. You're getting chills already, aren't you? Seriously, track them both down on your various streaming services - pay if you have to - and wallow in these toga-rich dramas of decadence and defiance. It'll actually make you glad of this unlooked-for down time.
3. The Zombieland Double-Bill
2009's Zombieland is, simply put, one of the most rewatchable comedies of 21st century cinema. It's consistently witty, furiously paced and commendably short - and it's got lots of vividly comical zombie-slaughtering action. Fans waited (or not) a full decade for its follow-up and to its credit Zombieland: Douple Tap gets enough right to make it a worthy sequel. It does fall into the trap that Jumanji 2019 avoided - that of trading too much on the original film's jokes - but the character dynamics show development, several entertaining new players are introduced and the central location in the final act is psychedelic feat of the imagination. It's great to see the original gang reunited (and then split apart and reunited again) and overall there's enough caustic humour, heart and guts (real and figurative in the case of those latter two) to create a terrific evening of popcorn-centric home entertainment. (Other snacks apply if you don't have your own popping corn.)
4. The Aardman Double-Bill
I had a few titles to choose from here, but I thought I'd go with a combination of the classic and the lesser known. Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-rabbit is the duo's one feature-length adventure and manages to extend their 'eccentric inventor and his long-suffering dog' shtick successfully into the longer format by virtue of a terrific central conceit. It's one that draws on the tropes of classic movie horror, transplanting them into a Yorkshire village preparing for its annual church fete to gleefully pun-tastic effect. Pair that with The Pirates! Band of Misfits (known in other territories as The Pirates! In and Adventure with Scientists). Ignore all the issues they had with finding a decent title and enjoy a truly wacky tale of Charles Darwin on the high seas with Hugh Grant voicing a posh pirate captain. It's adapted from Gideon Dafoe's lunatic Pirates! novels, but contains all the gloriously absurd visual humour of Aardman's best. A stop-motion double delight.
5. The 'Marooned' Double-Bill
One man trapped in an unforgiving environment. Fighting insanity and despair as much as the physically hostile surroundings. Attempting an escape that's almost certainly doomed. Those ideas equally describe Cast Away, the film in which Tom Hanks puts in the definitive performance of a lonely man having a desert island bromance with an anthropomorphised volleyball, and The Martian, where Matt Damon makes a daily space blog, thereby giving himself something Hank-style to talk to, while he endeavours to escape from the surface of Mars where he's been accidentally abandoned - thanks very much, Jessica Chastain! (In fairness it really wasn't her fault.) The parallels between these two films are too perfect to bypass, plus when you think about it, they both deal with a very unplanned form of social distancing. Hey if you want to really go for it conceptually, watch Apollo 13 as well. The Martian, you could argue, if a beautiful fusion of the other two. Think about that. You've got the time.
6. The Paddington Double-Bill
It's my earnest hope that this pair of films will one day be extended into a trilogy - but let's not complain, because the riches on display here are considerable. 2014's Paddington was a delightful cinematic introduction to Michael Bond's immigrant bear from Peru, even if the Nicole Kidman villain plot felt a little forced. The 2017 follow-up, however, took everything that worked first time around and raised it to greatness. And I do mean 'greatness' - check that 100% critical rating on rottentomatoes.com after 238 reviews if you don't believe me. It was one of the best films - not children's films, not family films, just films - of that or any year. Watch P1 as a warm and cuddly prologue and then bask in the unutterable joy of P2. It's got humanity, hilarity, charm, craft, Hugh Grant being outrageous... it will make you feel good about the workd again. It's the ultimate family movie too, in that anyone who's ever been part of a family - of any kind - will love it. Seriously, I cannot think of another two films that would serve as a better tonic right now. Please let this bear look after you.
Good. That's almost a week of lockdown catered for in filmic terms. I'll see if I can provide more ideas along the way. Stay safe and happy watching...
(Keep getting better, Tom.)
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