Film Review - Patrick (PG)

Never again.

I'll try to keep this short. Friday last I was watching new doggie-centric Britcom Patrick, seated in front of a couple and their pre-schooler. As the end-credits rolled, Dad leaned in to the child and asked, 'Well, did you enjoy that?' The subtext of his question was unmistakable: At those ticket prices, I hope to God one of us did. It's cinema interludes like this, you know, that make me want to smooch my Limitless monthly movie pass. 

Patrick aspires to be a family-friendly version of Bridget Jones, with an added cute-canine factor. Beattie Edmondson plays Sarah, a klutzy young woman with a disastrous love-life and a new teaching job, whose circumstances get worse when she inherits Patrick (the eponymous critter) from an elderly aunt. Initially the pampered pug is a source of exasperation to her, but gradually she realises that despite his icky habits, he might just make all the ill-fitting aspects of her life come together to heart-melting, life-affirming effect. 

This hokey-as-hell premise might just have worked (in a 6-out-of-10 kind of way), had it not been for a screenplay of perplexing ineptitude and dullness. Seriously, it is genuinely bizarre that people with money and influence checked out this limply strung-together bunch of subplots and decided 'Hey, we've got a workable script here, let's shoot this thing!' Storywise it's shambolic, plus it's not funny. Not remotely so. On any level. At a single given point. Nor can this be explained away in terms of target audience - the four-year-old behind me didn't laugh either. Nary a chuckle. Dad truly did waste that hard-earned cash.

I was tempted to take a cheap shot at Edmondson - daughter of Brit comedy treasures Jennifer Saunders and Adrian Edmondson - along the lines of 'Where's her showbiz pedigree?' (sorry), but I'm assured that she's genuinely funny in TV sitcom Josh. All of which comes back to the wretchedly underwritten character with which she's dogged (sorry). Fact is, none of the talented cast - and we're talking tested UK thesps like Adrian Scarborough and Meera Syal and Bernard Cribbins, God bless him - can wring any humour from this lame script. Only the dog comes out of it with a shred of dignity, and even he should consider changing his agent. Nor can the film's heritage-cinema production values make amends for the awfulness on display. Turns out you really can't polish a dog-turd. (Not sorry.)

I know, I know - I'm ranting about a lightweight family comedy; but come on, it's patronising to let a film off the hook on grounds of genre. Paddington 2 was one of last year's best movies - funny, uplifting and artistically accomplished on every level. Not every family feature can be expected to hit such a glorious standard, but none should be this poor. There are talented filmmakers out there striving to get their projects green-lit. That Patrick beat them to it is a doggone shame.

Gut Reaction: The pug's antics raised a smile on two occasions. I counted them.

Where Are the Women?: They're present on both sides of the camera, but frankly this won't look good on anyone's CV.

Ed's Verdict: 2/10. I don't think I'm being unnecessarily mean here. I'd throw it a bone if I could, but it really was that dreadful.