Godzilla: King of the Monsters (12A)

How many of these things are there?

2014 saw the release of Godzilla, the first film in Legendary Pictures' Monsterverse. Inspired by the Japanese classics of the '50s and '60s (rubber monster suits, papier mache cities) but with a decent budget, it demonstrated how a modern creature feature could be both epic and stylish. Here was a massive blockbuster with arthouse leanings - a monster movie with substance. How disappointing is it then that its sequel has managed to undo virtually everything that made it work so well? Enough to crush - not Tokyo, but certainly a small village on its outskirts.

Years have passed since Godzilla took down two other genuinely nasty critters in the Florida Keys, thereby saving the day for humanity. The Monarch research institute is monitoring the development of various dormant 'Titans' around the world, while Dr Emma Russell (Vera Farmiga) has developed a sonic thingummy to help tame the beasts once woken. But extremist eco-terrorists have other plans for her miraculous device, and very soon hell is breaking loose on a global scale, most scarily in the form of a three-headed dragon, King Ghidora. There's only room on the planet for one king, however, and soon Godzilla - our best and only hope - is striving to reclaim his place in the natural order.

One of the things I liked about the 2014 movie (and I can best critique the new one by looking back) was how it took a fundamentally silly premise and grounded it in the believable. A concrete scientific world was established, with the monstrous threat hinted at and then gradually revealed a la Jaws; when these titanic creatures finally took centre-stage, it felt like the world had gone mad. Shot from a ground-up perspective throughout, Godzilla and his rivals provided shivers of awe. Like director Gareth Edwards' indy film Monsters, or found-footage sci-fi Cloverfield, this film stayed human-centric, sustaining its grave sense of wonder. The cinematography was striking too, courtesy of Seamus McGarvey (Atonement, The Greatest Showman), delivering moments of visual poetry among the building mayhem.

King of the Monsters ditches all of that, personnel included, in a manner that's nothing short of reckless. 'There need to be more monsters, more often', was the cry from certain portions of Godzilla fandom - and ironically its the satisfying of that demand that brings this film down. The first great splurge of lizard-on-lizard action comes early, and it demolishes whatever interest had been building. The fight isn't even particularly well-shot - blurry and over-edited, with shaky-cam shots of human reactions adding to the confusion. (Monsterverse prequel Kong: Skull Island is a markedly better-looking film and more enjoyable as a result.) After that initial scrap the tension is gone, never to return. Mountains explode, oceans boil, cities are laid waste - but it's all so much sound and fury, with occasional flashes of beauty to remind you how awe-inspiring it all might have been.

All sadness here stems from wasted potential. There's homage paid to a host of 'kaiju' from the old Japanese franchise, while the movie addresses some pertinent environmental issues, but it all dissolves into the same soupy mess. So do the powerhouse human cast, aided by a screenplay full of risible exposition and sub-Independence Day one-liners. Ken Watanabe and Sally Hawkins' Godzilla survivors are joined by everyone from Charles Dance to Stranger Things' Milly Bobby Brown, and to their credit they play it with 100% conviction. But their combined efforts can't compete with the generic cinema monster that swallows them. (And to be honest once my favourite actor got squished with barely an afterthought 45 minutes in, the story lost me for good.)

 (It's not Milly Bobby.)

Granted some monster fans are loving the abundance of claw-on-tentacle action that makes it onto the screen this time around. 'It's a monster movie, not a human movie', they argue with undeniable logic. Call me spoiled, though, by the 2014 team. Edwards and co proved that a Godzilla movie could create taut suspense, root itself in humanity and deliver jaw-dropping fantasy action. For my money King of the Monsters does none of the above. It's just a crushing monster bore.  

Gut Reaction: An exponential downward curve from interest into tedium, with my score plummetting similarly along the way. 

Memorable Moment: The one around 40 minutes in, where I stopped caring. 

Ed's Verdict: 3/10. Rampage is better. The Meg is better. The '60s Japanese originals are way better. Tragically Godzilla 2019 is this year's Pacific Rim: Uprising - a  big dull disaster.